If my Facebook told the truth, here’s what my Sunday night post would’ve been: A picture of me, sitting on my bathroom floor with shampoo in my hair, water still running, crying to my mom over the phone because my husband had sent me a text saying “I’ll be staying somewhere else tonight.”
But let’s back up to how I got here in the first place.
You know how it is when you feel as though you are just treading water? Endlessly trying to reach a destination, but no matter how hard you try, you are not making it anywhere?You are just wearing yourself out, stuck in the same spot? That’s how I have been feeling the last couple of months with my husband.
If my Facebook told the truth, instead of my sporadic posts of smiling pictures and statuses of “Ladies, if you love your husbands take a minute to acknowledge him…” they would have said that a few months ago I came home one day and had the thought “I don’t really like you today.” I chalked it up to the fact that you can’t like someone every single day of your life, even your spouse. Especially your spouse. I figured it was just the day-to-day grind that was getting to me. But a week later-I realized that I still did not like him. Everything that he did was driving me crazy. But more than that- certain things about him I was beginning to resent. The fact that he needed to stay up late and play video games, the fact that I am still the only one driving because we only have one car, the fact that every-time he opened a can of beer I physically cringed and wanted to throw that can of beer at his head. I tried to ignore it, sometimes I even tried my best to ignore him by sitting a watching an episode or two on Netflix and then immediately going to bed. I even tried making myself like him be initiating sex. A lot of sex. I tried to talk with him, talk to him about some of the things that were bothering me but I was too afraid to confront the situation head on. I feared that I felt an huge storm brewing just over the horizon and I wanted to avoid the storm at all costs. In the end, all I was doing was still treading water. And feeling more and more exhausted everyday. And so was he. I just didn’t know it. So we just kept moving forward like there was no problem, we tried to ignore it by going on an overnight trip. An over night trip that ended in tears, anger, hurt and him staying somewhere else Sunday night and not talking to me.
If my Facebook told the truth, Sunday it would have told everyone that my husband was ignoring me and he was so mad that he did not come home, he did not tell me where he was, and he did not tell me when he was coming home.
If my Facebook told the truth, it would’ve said that I called my mom five different times because I was such a hotmess that I could not handle what was currently happening.
If my Facebook told the truth, it would’ve said that I texted a friend of mine lives fairly close to me and said “We had out biggest fight that we have ever have, and he is staying somewhere else tonight and I don’t want to be alone.” It would’ve said that she showed up with ice cream, that we sat on my couch and we talked about what happened, she shared some stuff that she and her husband were going through and what her Facebook would say if it was telling the truth. Facebook would’ve let everyone know that I took melatonin and flexerol at 7pm and was in bed five minutes after m friend left at 7:30.
If my Facebook told the truth Monday morning it would’ve posted that I went to work, got there a half hour early and when my boss asked me how I was that I just starting crying uncontrollably. I straight up told her that I could not handle life that day and was not going to be able to compartmentalize my private life from my work life…so she sent me home.
If my Facebook told the truth, it would’ve said that my mom came home with me because I was too scared to go home alone. And that my mom cleaned my kitchen. And that my mom now knew that a big reason behind our fight was that he was drinking a lot again.
If my Facebook told the truth, it would’ve said that around 3pm that afternoon I went to a psychic with a friend of mine because I still had not heard from my husband about if he was coming home.
If my Facebook told the truth, it would’ve said that yet again I was in bed by 7:30 and that when my husband did come home around 11:00pm, I did not get out of bed. At least not until 3am when the bathroom fan that he left on was driving me crazy. And all I said to him was “I’m glad you are home.”
If my Facebook told the truth, at 4am it would’ve said that he came to bed, and he reached over a grabbed my hand.
If my Facebook told the truth, it would say that during my lunch break I was writing this blog post because I am still recovering from the last forty-eight hours. I’m still sad, I’m still mad. I still don’t really like him at the moment. But I do love him and I am glad that he decided to come home.
If my Facebook told the truth it would say that I am still processing, I am a work in progress and so is my marriage, so is my husband. It would say that I am grateful for my mom, and for my friends that surrounded me when I just didn’t know how to deal and didn’t feel strong enough to be home alone. It would say that my life is messy…and that’s okay.